Antique Roadshow Bride

Antique Roadshow Bride

Have you any idea how much . . . ?
Not the vaguest, got her 45 years ago.
Can you tell me what you paid for her?
I don’t want to say right off.
But here’s a hint: There was no dowry.
Yes, well, we usually start with the appraisal.
In any case, in specimens like these we
look carefully to establish authenticity.
Clearly this is not a reproduction.
Note these worm holes. No drilling here.
Only time will do it. And the crowning is real.
Yes, I know that. They threw away the mold
when they made her, and there’s no cloning yet.
And note the sagging here. That’s real.
And the wrinkling there, the way leather does
even properly treated. We look for that. And look,
no tuckings, no cheating. Absolutely real.
Yes, yes, and that’s the beauty of it. I’m just
the same. Look at me. Turkey neck. Elephant behind.
All leathery. All gobbley.
Yes, and again, not your own worm holes.
Impossible to replicate that. Only years will tell.
Like your ears. Have you noted the lenghtening
of the lobes? Have you noted that?
I have and I pray to Buddha every day for that.
I call it aging playfully. You know what I mean?
Yes, ah, yes. Impossible to . . . ah, yes, that’s the dust
in us, the way of beatles . . . the death watch.
Yes, yes. They remind us of our youth — no drilling
for any fountain can replicate that, he, heh, can it?
Hee, hee. For you, too. And note your own crowns.
Open wide, now, don’t try to hide them. We keep a sharp
eye out for those. Have you any idea what these alone
are worth, not to mention hers?
Do we ever! 650$ a drill less insurance times many.
You count ’em, you do the math. How many K? You add up.
OK Ok Ok Let’s not go inflationary. It’s my turn:
Big question now: She. Not You. She. Have you any idea
what She might be worth. Hung up on the wall? At MOMA?
Indeed I do (aggressively) wise guy. PRICELESS! NFS!
I guess I better believe it. Heh. Heh. ‘Nuf said, he said.

-T.C.Buell

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